Bruno Mars: Gorilla sex… Are you sure?!?

Posted on Oct 27, 2013 in Blog | 4 Comments
Bruno Mars: Gorilla sex… Are you sure?!?

Tonight, I encountered Bruno Mars’ new song, “Gorilla.” I think perhaps his choice of simile was ill-chosen,

 

In the beginning of the video, there is a discussion between two “exotic dancers” regarding a new girl who is sleeping with a man that one of the girls has a claim of some sort upon, my guess is prior sexual contact. There is also the threat that this jealous spurned lover will tell another man (boss, husband, crime lord?!?) who this new girl is sleeping with and that will cause some problem or another for the interloper.

Aside from the facile plot, things work reasonably well. Gorillas do keep harems with a typical structure being one silverback and several females. Female transfer does happen between groups and fighting between males over female sexual privileges are intense and can be very damaging. However, it can be surmised that this will have little effect upon the female in question and a much more drastic effect upon the male whose affections are desired.

Continuing on; lets examine a few pertinent verses:

You got your legs up in the sky
With the devil in your eyes

Typically gorillas mate with the male mounting from behind the female. In rare instance they have been known to mate face-to-face, though this is predominately sitting upright rather than one of the many variations upon “missionary.” Face-to-face positions with the female on her back are largely-undocumented and exceedingly rare at best. [editted:  a reader pointed out that t the Atlanta zoo, they do switch between missionary and doggystle]

Let me hear you say you want it all
Say it now, say it now

Average gorilla penis length is 1-3 cm, or approximately 1.25 inches in length. “Wanting it all” is wanting, approximately, 1.25 inches. Exaggerated penis-size claims amongst male Homo sapiens are common, but rarely extoll the virtues of a member (baculum) less than 7 inches.

Yeah I got a fistful of your hair
But you don’t look like you’re scared
You’re just smiling tell me daddy it’s yours
Cause you know how I like it, you’s a dirty little lover

Typically, the female is the initiator in gorilla sex. Instigator is 60.2% female for fertile mating episodes, 77.6% female  for pregnant mating episodes and 78.6% female for “uncertain” reproductive status mating. There is one instance in which males are the primary instigator, with adolescent/infertile females, 82.1%.

I’m not sure that’s something that it’s advisable for Bruno Mars to brag about.

If the neighbors call the cops,
Call the sheriff, call the SWAT ‒ we don’t stop,
We keep rocking while they’re knocking on our door
And you’re screaming, “Give it to me baby,
Give it to me motherfucker!”

Gorilla intercourse lasts 1.33-1.5 minutes in length. Police response time varies drastically by municipality. However, if we take Denver for example, and assume that the neighbors have mistakenly perceived that this is an emergency, average response time is 11 minutes. Bruno Mars and his paramour could have engaged in gorilla length intercourse over 7 times (assuming the longer value of duration) before the police arrive.
Once the police do knock on the door, they will not have a significant wait, if any, before the gorilla lovers conclude and are able to clarify the situation.

I am all for the use of metaphor and simile in art. However, if you are going to draw associations to something, it would do well to be clear on what your story actually is.

Dixson, A. F. (1987), Baculum length and copulatory behavior in primates. Am. J. Primatol., 13: 51–60. doi: 10.1002/ajp.1350130107

A. H. Harcourt and J. Gardiner, Proceedings: Biological Sciences , Vol. 255, No. 1342 (Jan. 22, 1994), pp. 47-53

Martin, R. D. (2007), The evolution of human reproduction: A primatological perspective. Am. J. Phys. Anthropol., 134: 59–84. doi: 10.1002/ajpa.2073

Watts, D. P. (1991), Mountain gorilla reproduction and sexual behavior. Am. J. Primatol., 24: 211–225. doi: 10.1002/ajp.1350240307

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080212134818.htm

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    4 Comments

    1. Phillip Jones
      10.27.2013

      nice analysis.

      Reply
    2. vaffangool
      5.6.2014

      Typically gorillas mate with the male mounting from behind the female. In rare instance they have been known to mate face-to-face, though this is predominately sitting upright rather than one of the many variations upon “missionary.” Face-to-face positions with the female on her back are largely-undocumented and exceedingly rare at best.

      This applies only in the wild. Ventro-ventral sexual behaviour is common among captive gorillas.

      Reply
      • Matthias
        6.24.2014

        Thanks vaffangol! I’ll edit this when I get a chance.

        Reply

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